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I messaged her last night. I caved in and messaged her, not knowing whether she would ever see it or if she would have the decency to reply to me. I don't know if I'm blocked, maybe I'll never find out. I just always assumed that she didn't care enough about me to block me. But now that I have expressed the last of my heart to her, I feel a release. I am experiencing clarity like never before. I wonder, do I really want to meet her again? Do i really want to go through the excruciating pain of her? I feel embarrassed on one hand for even being in this place of desperation, but I don't know if its my neurodivergent brain experiencing demand avoidance, now it feels like a task to actually talk to her. I realize that I have no choice but to let go, I just couldn't fathom before how someone can go from warmth to coldness, because I would have never just switched off like that, but I've come to accept that it's not about what I did, its how her brain is wired...

Every place I have been to tells me the same thing. That this connection was a bad connection and that its not meant to be. That you are happier without me and that you were dissatisfied in the relationship. That I put up with everything and I am in turn receiving the consequences of my actions. Yesterday, the shaman told me that you are sick of me. You are so sick of me and you want nothing to do with me. Today the tarot reader told me that it's not a good connection for me. She said I shouldn't try to keep this relationship and try to get back together. Do I even want to get back together knowing everything I know now? She said that you might have been comparing me to someone else through out our relationship. Were you comparing me to your ex because you still longed for her? I'm so stupid for being so naively in love. No matter how pure my intentions were, no matter how true my heart was, it was never going to be enough. I was never going to be enough for you. What if I ...

I just want to know that I meant something to you. I just want to know that when you wanted me you really meant it, and you weren't just playing with me. I just want to know that it got hard because you wanted something else, not because it got hard to love me. I'm a fool to hold on so tight, so desperate and so sincere in my desire for you. I wish this would all end and that I could just forget you. Forget that I ever met you, and forget everything I felt with you. Some days I want to die, as intense and dramatic as that sounds, because at least in death I will have silence from my mind and I will be at peace. But what if I return to this earth without a body and still long for you in eternal darkness? Is there no escape? Is there no escape from you? I want this to end. I want this to end. I want this to end. I want this to end. I want to stop wanting you. I want to stop thinking about you.

A letter I will never send: I must learn to let you go. I must learn to let go of the pain you caused me. I must learn to let go of the desire to hold onto our memories, our joy, and our intimacy. I have a hard time separating my experiences from reality. I must learn to stop drawing your face in my mind, the curves on your body, your smell, and your smile. If it was ever meant to work out maybe I wouldn't have felt like too much for you. But I don't know how to love less.  I don't know how to love less.

To sit with the ache of navigating my self worth after you told me time and time again that you did not choose me. I am lost and frankly I do not know where to go from here. I search for love in the wrong places and equate sex for intimacy and desire for love. You have broken me time and time again by showing me how little you actually cared about me. I was so lost in the depths of you that I still feel like I am drowning and I cannot breathe. I still wait for you. Like a broken clock that continues to tick in the same place, I long for you to turn around and show me just once that you want me. If you don't want me, I am so afraid that I will never be wanted ever again. Something I know to be untrue can be so life threatening and aggressive.  I fear I will fall sick. My heart hurts so deeply I am afraid I will never recover. I want to hate you and I want to be angry, but all I can feel is how much I still love you and miss you. How I long to be in your arms again. I had a moment of...

I wonder what karmic lesson needed to be taught for us to meet and be entangled in each others lives. That if we met purely because I had to be taught what love isn't sounds so cruel that I can't bear it. Why make me love you and why make me get so attached to someone who was never going to love me, but make me think there was a chance? Was I not being taught enough? Tonight I am angry at the universe for thinking it had the right to break my heart just to teach me a lesson.

너를 사랑한것은 나의 실수도 잘못도 아니라 생각한다. 내가 줄수 있는 만큼의 사랑을 너에게 주었고, 그 답변인 너의 행동에 나는 책임을 지지 않겠다. 니가 받을수 있는 만큼의 사랑은 딱 거기까지 이었고, 그것은 너의 잘못도, 나의 잘못도 아니다. 단지 우리 삶의 시계가 엇갈린 것 이였다.  나중에 시간이 지나면 너는 그런 사랑을 받을수 있는 날이 오겠지만, 그 시기는 지금도 나중도 아니다. 그리고 그 사랑의 상대는 내가 아니다. 아프다. 우리는 운명이 아님에도 불구하지만 만났고, 사랑과 몸을 나누었다. 그 잘못은 누구에게 가야 하나? 누군가를 탓하고 싶다.

My heart beats in a rhythm that makes it hard for me to breathe.  I think of you and the ache in my heart pulls me towards you. Your smile, the sound of your laughter, your whispers in the silence of the night, your eyes piercing through the barriers of my heart, and now I am left grasping at the fleeting memories of your warmth. Why was my love not enough for you? What desire did I fail to fullfill for you? Everyday I wake up, wishing you would at least visit me in my dreams but last night you didn't come. I waited for you in the depths of my dreams and you didn't come. How much more can my heart take? Your absence kills me.

I don't know how much more my heart can take. I don't know how more days I can spend drowning in my sorrows.  I can't breathe. Without her I am a shell of a person. Without here I roam aimlessly in the cold. I wish to kiss her one last time and I wish to look into her eyes just to hear her say that she loves me. I want to believe in that moment that she truly loves me.  But it was all lies. It was all lies and now I am left biting the dust of my heartache. Will I ever love again? Will I ever trust again? Will I ever stop being so foolish? My heart is broken. It is too broken that I am engulfed in the pain and I know nothing else. 

There is a sadness that refuses to leave my side. A soft ache that slowly pulls apart my defences. I long for you. Even though together you made me feel so alone, I would rather feel alone with you than without you. I miss the way your body fit into mine, your whispers in the darkness of the night, your kisses that brought me to life, and the laughter that continues to echo in my mind.  I cannot forget you, lest let you go from my heart. When will this suffering end? When will I stop looking for you in my dreams? I loved you, and I love you still. Even though you broke my heart in every way possible, I love you.

 너를 잊기 위해 너를 완전하게 기억해야 한다. 너의 눈코입은 물론이고 너의 말투와 옷차림, 나를 사로 잡았던 너의 모든것을 마지막으로 생각하고 깊은 장롱 속에 놓기로 결심했다. 더이상 너를 기다리지 않겠다. 더이상 너의 전화를 기다리지도, 문앞에 너의 모습도 상상하지 않겠다. 너의 얼굴이 떠오르지 않을때 까지.. 나는 지금 취했다. 그래서인지 용기가 어마어마 하다. 너 따위 사람은 지금 나를 흔들수 없다

 How can I love myself through this pain? I realise I am in the no-mans land in the process of healing where the pain paints the sky but my tears have evaporated and all that I am left with is the numbing sting that you no longer wanted me in your life. How can I love myself gently enough to show myself that I can save myself from this sorrow? I've come to terms with the fact that you did what you did, and no longer am I killing myself over why you did what you did.  But I think of you when I am touching someone else, laughing with someone else, and my heart has nowhere to go. I'm just trying to figure out how to sit with the enormity of my pain. I've decide to stop waiting for you. But my heart has become so tender I cannot force it to feel anymore. 

Sometimes I have a hard time remembering your face, but I still remember the way you made me feel so clearly like I am experiencing it in real time.  I don't know what that says about me, but perhaps a sign that I am meant to leave you in my past.  I still wonder however if that day will ever come where you show up once random day asking for me back, because that's how you did things: impulsively and on your own whim. If anything the way you left would be how you come back. But I also know when you're gone, you're truly gone, and I wonder if I was nothing but an inconvenience.

누군가의 사랑을 받고 있지 않아도 나는 충분히 완전한 사람이고, 니가 나를 선택하지 않았다고 내가 사라지는 것이 아니다. 하지만 왜 나의 기억속에 나는 너에게 선택 받았을 때 가장 빛나고 눈 부셨을까? 너와 함께 있으면서 너라는 사람에게 버림 받는 것이 얼마나 춥고 어두운 곳인지 보았다. 너는 나에게 경고 하듯이 그 모습을 보여줬다.  그런 니가 참 매정하고 무섭게 보였지만, 한편으로는 참 불쌍했다. 사랑을 사랑으로 품을 줄 모르는 너의 세상은 얼마나 침침하고 외로운 곳인가?

The space you left behind was so large, to fathom even considering letting someone into it seems too wild and too daring. I keep meeting other people with indifference and it feels like my body is telling me that I don't want anyone in my orbit. But my strong desire to replace you gets in the way of this, and I am left with the bitterness in my mouth of forced connections.  I keep talking about you, keeping you alive in my world, and part of me knows that is my way of keeping us alive. How do I move on from you? How do I stop longing for you? You are like a ghost that haunts my room. When I lay down to sleep, all I feel is you.  When will I stop comparing you to everyone I meet? or the other way around, when will you stop being the prototype?

I think of your mouth and the way it fit into mine. The wave of pleasure that would overwhelm me.  I think of your breasts and the way I could control your whole body and the touch of my fingertips.  I think of the softness between your legs and the way you were ready to be adored. These are things I must learn to grieve. Sex is nothing but a transaction to some, including you, but for me, for me it is an act of worship.  I bow down at your feet and gently kiss your toes. 

You come in waves and somedays you engulf me and some days you get to me just enough that the water goes up my nose and leaves the lingering salinity in my throat.  These days I think of you and feel more frustration than any other emotion. Not because I cannot leave you in my past, whilst that has seemingly been the issue, but because of the idea that I was so easily swayed by the person of you. But today I felt a wave of relief at the realisation of the fact that I no longer have to spend my days racking my brain trying to figure out how to be someone you want. I no longer have to sit in the anxiety of wondering whether I am enough for you. I no longer have to prove myself to you.