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I messaged her last night. I caved in and messaged her, not knowing whether she would ever see it or if she would have the decency to reply to me. I don't know if I'm blocked, maybe I'll never find out. I just always assumed that she didn't care enough about me to block me. But now that I have expressed the last of my heart to her, I feel a release. I am experiencing clarity like never before. I wonder, do I really want to meet her again? Do i really want to go through the excruciating pain of her? I feel embarrassed on one hand for even being in this place of desperation, but I don't know if its my neurodivergent brain experiencing demand avoidance, now it feels like a task to actually talk to her. I realize that I have no choice but to let go, I just couldn't fathom before how someone can go from warmth to coldness, because I would have never just switched off like that, but I've come to accept that it's not about what I did, its how her brain is wired...

Every place I have been to tells me the same thing. That this connection was a bad connection and that its not meant to be. That you are happier without me and that you were dissatisfied in the relationship. That I put up with everything and I am in turn receiving the consequences of my actions. Yesterday, the shaman told me that you are sick of me. You are so sick of me and you want nothing to do with me. Today the tarot reader told me that it's not a good connection for me. She said I shouldn't try to keep this relationship and try to get back together. Do I even want to get back together knowing everything I know now? She said that you might have been comparing me to someone else through out our relationship. Were you comparing me to your ex because you still longed for her? I'm so stupid for being so naively in love. No matter how pure my intentions were, no matter how true my heart was, it was never going to be enough. I was never going to be enough for you. What if I ...

I just want to know that I meant something to you. I just want to know that when you wanted me you really meant it, and you weren't just playing with me. I just want to know that it got hard because you wanted something else, not because it got hard to love me. I'm a fool to hold on so tight, so desperate and so sincere in my desire for you. I wish this would all end and that I could just forget you. Forget that I ever met you, and forget everything I felt with you. Some days I want to die, as intense and dramatic as that sounds, because at least in death I will have silence from my mind and I will be at peace. But what if I return to this earth without a body and still long for you in eternal darkness? Is there no escape? Is there no escape from you? I want this to end. I want this to end. I want this to end. I want this to end. I want to stop wanting you. I want to stop thinking about you.

A letter I will never send: I must learn to let you go. I must learn to let go of the pain you caused me. I must learn to let go of the desire to hold onto our memories, our joy, and our intimacy. I have a hard time separating my experiences from reality. I must learn to stop drawing your face in my mind, the curves on your body, your smell, and your smile. If it was ever meant to work out maybe I wouldn't have felt like too much for you. But I don't know how to love less.  I don't know how to love less.

To sit with the ache of navigating my self worth after you told me time and time again that you did not choose me. I am lost and frankly I do not know where to go from here. I search for love in the wrong places and equate sex for intimacy and desire for love. You have broken me time and time again by showing me how little you actually cared about me. I was so lost in the depths of you that I still feel like I am drowning and I cannot breathe. I still wait for you. Like a broken clock that continues to tick in the same place, I long for you to turn around and show me just once that you want me. If you don't want me, I am so afraid that I will never be wanted ever again. Something I know to be untrue can be so life threatening and aggressive.  I fear I will fall sick. My heart hurts so deeply I am afraid I will never recover. I want to hate you and I want to be angry, but all I can feel is how much I still love you and miss you. How I long to be in your arms again. I had a moment of...

I wonder what karmic lesson needed to be taught for us to meet and be entangled in each others lives. That if we met purely because I had to be taught what love isn't sounds so cruel that I can't bear it. Why make me love you and why make me get so attached to someone who was never going to love me, but make me think there was a chance? Was I not being taught enough? Tonight I am angry at the universe for thinking it had the right to break my heart just to teach me a lesson.