reluctance

I messaged her last night.

I caved in and messaged her, not knowing whether she would ever see it or if she would have the decency to reply to me. I don't know if I'm blocked, maybe I'll never find out. I just always assumed that she didn't care enough about me to block me.

But now that I have expressed the last of my heart to her, I feel a release. I am experiencing clarity like never before. I wonder, do I really want to meet her again? Do i really want to go through the excruciating pain of her?

I feel embarrassed on one hand for even being in this place of desperation, but I don't know if its my neurodivergent brain experiencing demand avoidance, now it feels like a task to actually talk to her.

I realize that I have no choice but to let go, I just couldn't fathom before how someone can go from warmth to coldness, because I would have never just switched off like that, but I've come to accept that it's not about what I did, its how her brain is wired. I don't need to understand why she did that.

She is happy where she is, and I deserve to be happy where I am. If anything I should be happier now than ever before. Having experienced sincere love, and having been genuine regardless of how the other person acted, I should be proud of myself for living life earnestly.

I know there are rules to dating, and one learns the skills of navigating romance, but it just doesn't feel right to my soul to measure and weigh love. If I love you, I will love you with everything I have, and this time I've learnt about my capacity to love. Not everyone will be ready for that, and that's okay. It is a privilege to experience my love.

Today I felt joy that I haven't felt in a long time. It is a bittersweet joy, but joy nonetheless.

I don't care if she ever responds to me. A part of me hopes she never does.

A part of me hopes that this is the end and I can finally move on.

I want this feeling of relief to be a real feeling, and not a dopamine spike from partially interacting with her. lol, this makes me laugh.

I wish I was older, wiser, and happier.

I hope that I meet a real love one day. A love that doesn't make me doubt myself, shrink myself, or hurt myself by excusing them. I want a love that nurtures me, encourages me, values my emotions, and desires me. I manifest this in my life.

The older woman I've been talking to gives me excitement. I feel very sexy talking to her lol.

God its been too long since I've been fucked, i just want to get laid.

I'm so ridiculous.