Worship

I think of your mouth and the way it fit into mine. The wave of pleasure that would overwhelm me. 

I think of your breasts and the way I could control your whole body and the touch of my fingertips. 

I think of the softness between your legs and the way you were ready to be adored.

These are things I must learn to grieve. Sex is nothing but a transaction to some, including you, but for me, for me it is an act of worship. 

I bow down at your feet and gently kiss your toes. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

to you

I wish I had the right words to make you change your mind, for you to desire me the way you did when we first met. I know nothing I do will ever take me back there because the you that existed in that moment was someone in search of something to take the edge away, not someone who actually desired me as i am. It almost just kills me to think that it was just so easy for you to take what you want, say what you want, and do what you want without feeling any sort of way, because it was never personal for you. You never loved me the way you said you did.  The worst thing you did was telling me you love me, when you never had the intention to ever do so. And the worst part of that was that I was so ready to believe you when I had every sign telling me not to believe you.  I feel so lost, and the fact that I feel so lost because of you makes me feel so lost.  I don't know what to think about if its not you, and i don't know what to drink if its not to stop thinking about you. F...
Read more

reluctance

I messaged her last night. I caved in and messaged her, not knowing whether she would ever see it or if she would have the decency to reply to me. I don't know if I'm blocked, maybe I'll never find out. I just always assumed that she didn't care enough about me to block me. But now that I have expressed the last of my heart to her, I feel a release. I am experiencing clarity like never before. I wonder, do I really want to meet her again? Do i really want to go through the excruciating pain of her? I feel embarrassed on one hand for even being in this place of desperation, but I don't know if its my neurodivergent brain experiencing demand avoidance, now it feels like a task to actually talk to her. I realize that I have no choice but to let go, I just couldn't fathom before how someone can go from warmth to coldness, because I would have never just switched off like that, but I've come to accept that it's not about what I did, its how her brain is wired...
Read more

Flow

 How can I love myself through this pain? I realise I am in the no-mans land in the process of healing where the pain paints the sky but my tears have evaporated and all that I am left with is the numbing sting that you no longer wanted me in your life. How can I love myself gently enough to show myself that I can save myself from this sorrow? I've come to terms with the fact that you did what you did, and no longer am I killing myself over why you did what you did.  But I think of you when I am touching someone else, laughing with someone else, and my heart has nowhere to go. I'm just trying to figure out how to sit with the enormity of my pain. I've decide to stop waiting for you. But my heart has become so tender I cannot force it to feel anymore. 
Read more