Seeking

To sit with the ache of navigating my self worth after you told me time and time again that you did not choose me.

I am lost and frankly I do not know where to go from here.

I search for love in the wrong places and equate sex for intimacy and desire for love.

You have broken me time and time again by showing me how little you actually cared about me.

I was so lost in the depths of you that I still feel like I am drowning and I cannot breathe.

I still wait for you. Like a broken clock that continues to tick in the same place, I long for you to turn around and show me just once that you want me.

If you don't want me, I am so afraid that I will never be wanted ever again. Something I know to be untrue can be so life threatening and aggressive. 

I fear I will fall sick. My heart hurts so deeply I am afraid I will never recover.

I want to hate you and I want to be angry, but all I can feel is how much I still love you and miss you.

How I long to be in your arms again.

I had a moment of weakness and unblocked you today.

I must let go of the hope that you will ever look back. 

But a part of me wonders if things don't last because I am not capable of being loved.

As much as I want to deny it, love is the reason for everything. Not necessarily romantic, but love is the catalyst for life. 

So where does that leave me? Who am I without love?